Katie: The Deadly MySpace Girl
by I'm Black and Proud
Summary: RJ tries online dating, and finally gets a good looking woman. But....the date isn't all it's cracked up to be....
1. Katie

**Yeah, I know this story's kinda random, but I just felt like it, okay?**

_It's been a while now, and RJ was still discovering the dangers of online dating. Yep, he used the dreaded MySpace. And so far, all the women he got were nothing but ugly-ass old bitches (yes, they're still animials) who looked NOTHING like their MySpace photo. Well, now. RJ's getting sick of it. He's at least trying to find one girl that's hot. Will he find her, let's find out..._

RJ is on MySpace again loading up another girls page while dancing to music, and once again, the girl's photo looks hot as he is dancing to some music (is that some kind of new way to masturbate?).

RJ- Oh, man! She's smokin' hot, isn't she?

Verne- And you're sure this is what she looks like?

RJ- Oh, hell yeah! I ain't falling for the old-bitch-spell this time! Now, I got the video chat.

Hammy- This is a setup. This makes no sense. Why would she like YOU?

RJ- Becuase I give "sweet love".

Verne- And what do you know about this woman?

RJ- Well, her name is Katie, she's a virgo, and her hobbies include nursing, traveling, and--

Hammy- And stealing from people. Watch when you go to sleep. I bet she got a gang of boys trying to rob us. That's not a good look.

RJ- "Not a good look"? Is that what you use these days? Why don't you give her a chance? You haven't even met her yet.

Verne- Neither have you. I don't know... A date with a complete stranger?

RJ- It's about a five-hour drive! She stays here, or I pay for a hotel room.

The doorbell rings.

RJ- Oh, boy. Here she is.

He opens the door, and guess what, Katie actually looks like her sexy photo! Yes, she IS sexy.

Katie- Hey, you must be RJ!

RJ- My sweet Katie! Come on in, cutie pie!

Katie- (looks at Verne and Hammy) Hey, guys! I'm Katie. Don't worry, I'll try to stay out of your way!

Hammy- We don't keep cash in the house!

Akward silence

RJ- Come on, you want a soda?

They walk in the dining room.

Hammy- That's a big bitch.

Verne- You've been watching TOO MUCH black television.

**Well, RJ didn't get the old-bitch-spell at all! Will this date be a success, or a nightmare? Stay Tuned!**


	2. The Kumite Master

During dinner, RJ and Katie have a great converstation. Verne and Hammy are at the table, too. And they're STILL in denial.

RJ- So, you never told me what kind of collectables you have.

Katie- Well, I have 5 bobbleheads, 3 very old toys, and _15 swords._

RJ, Hammy, and Verne- Swords?

RJ- You mean like...cut-your-heart-out swords?

Katie- Yeah, I'm very intrested in Kung Fu and all those fighting stuff these days. I learned it from my ex. And then I ended up having to use it _on_ him. I even went to the Kumite once.

Verne- The Kumite? That's supposed to be one of the most deadliest matches in the world.

Hammy- Damn. You ever kill anybody?

Katie- Hey, everybody has to die sometimes. I mean, it's like you kill one guy, and then you kill a dozen. It's all the same. Am I right, or am I right? (laughs out loud)

Hammy, Verne, and RJ all have a WTF? look on their face.

RJ, V, and H- We gotta go to the bathroom.

And they do just that.

Hammy- Thanks for inviting a Kung-Fu-sword-bitch in the house, RJ!

RJ- How am I supposed to know she was a Kung-Fu-sword-bitch? I don't know about the Kum..Ku..Kumitite..Kumite! What am I gonna do?

Verne- You're gonna tell her to get the fuck out!

RJ- I can't do that! She might hit me with one of those Jackie-Chan-nut-sack techniques!

Verne- Come on, RJ! She doesn't know Kung Fu. She's crazy!

RJ- Shit, I don't know that. Why don't you do it? You know Kung Fu.

Verne- Fine, you two just stay here.

Verne takes a peak in the dining room. Katie's on the phone.

On phone- So where's he at now?

Katie- I don't know. Suddenly, they all went to the bathroom. That's weird. (sees Verne) Let me call you back. Hey! So how's RJ?

Verne- He's having some...difficulties in the bathroom. So, that's pretty impressive, you being a Kung Fu master, and all.

Katie- Thanks! It was REALLY hard.

Verne- It's just that... I don't know any Kumite masters left alive.

Katie- Hmm... what about a friendly sparring match? I would love to give you a demonstration.

Verne- That sounds perfect.

So they DO have a match. And guess what? Katie wins! As Hammy and RJ heard the beating in from the bathroom, Verne appears at door. Beaten.

Verne- Let's...get out while we can.

He then falls down to the ground as Hammy and RJ look shocked.


	3. Adam Flayman's birthday

**Damn... It's been a while since I came here and a while since I did these. OK, well, here goes...**

RJ- (pacing back and forth) I can't believe I let that girl come to MY place, and that there's a possible chance she would destroy my shit!

Verne - RJ, you have to relax.

RJ- RELAX?! The girl is a trained killer! Don't you know the story about Po the Panda?

Verne - You mean that fat panda that eats a lot and dosen't know shit about Kung Fu from the movie of the same creator as us that got better reviews than us by 2 percent on Rotten Tomatoes?

RJ- Yes, that Panda. No, he doesn't eat a lot. At least he used to... Didn't you see that beating he gave Tai Lung? He was ownage! Foot in his ass and everything! That guy even knows the Wuxi Finger Hold! After that battle, no one has ever heard of Tai Lung again.

Verne- How are you so sure that even happened?

RJ- WATCH THE DAMN MOVIE! Dreamworks Magazine said he was in the Kumite! And man, did he OWN.

(cutaway to Katie on the phone)

Katie- No, I haven't seen him since dinner. I think he was in the bathroom all night.

Girl on phone - That's fine, you don't need to be giving him your ass anyway. You should wait for a man until he's resentful. That ALWAYS works.

Katie- Oh, I don't know... Do you think it's gonna be weird now that I beat up his friend? Oh, I'm so stupid! WHY DID I DO THAT?! (punches hole in the wall)

(cutaway to RJ, Hammy, and Verne)

Verne- Okay, let's here this one more time...

RJ- Okay... I hope I get this right... My cousin Elliot passed away while working out, and they think it's a heart attack. They're not sure... Now, we wern't very close, but I need to fly out there to support my family member.

Verne- Good.

Hammy- If this doesn't work we're gonna have to kill that bitch.

RJ- Do you think the story is good?

Verne- RJ, the story is fine. Under no circumstances do you change that story. Got it?

(cutaway to Katie and RJ talking)

Katie- Adam... Flayman?

RJ- OH, YEAH! Me and him go way back! And you know what I forgot? Today is Adam Flayman's birthday, and I'm in charge of the party! But--stupid me--I forgot the balloons, so one of my friends is going to loan me some, then fly me to New York City for Adam Flayman's birthday party! Yeah.

Katie- Wow... I thought you were gonna tell me I was crazy and you never wanted to see me again like the _others._

RJ- NO! Uh-uh! I'm enjoying this time with you. I'm not blowing you off! I call you as soon as I get back from New York... And Adam.

Katie- Aw.. Hugs him You are such a cutie!

(cutaway to Katie leaving and RJ, Hammy, and Verne waving)

RJ, Verne and Hammy- Bye.

RJ- Don't come back too soon, maybe about 30 years, maybe...

(cutaway to the RJ, Hammy, and Verne doing a toast with Orange Juice in the glass)

RJ- To no more weekend visits by crazy internet women!

Verne- I really thought you blew it with the Adam Flayman story.

RJ- When I want to be, RJ is a master of deception!

(cutaway to Katie on the phone)

Girl on phone- Adam Flayman's birthday? Now you know that shit doesn't even sound right.

Katie- I know, do you think he was lying?

GOP- All I'm saying is that you went over there to spend time with him, and he lets you go like that? I don't give a fuck if it was Jeffery Katzenberg's birthday.

Katie- He said he'd call me back soon.

GOP- "Soon"? Pfft. When is "soon"? Remember when Roger said "soon"? Remember when Richard said "soon"? Did they call you back?

Katie- You're right...

GOP- And by the way, I Googled Adam Flayman's birthday. It isn't until November 2nd.

(Katie stops right in her tracks with a pissed of look on her face.)

Katie- He lied to me...

GOP- That's right, girl. That's why I'm by myself. Love the vibrator! Better not get rid of it!

(Katie goes back to the Hedge...)

**Well... RJ is so fucked. Stay Tuned!**


	4. Katie the Spy

**Wow..... how long has it been? Well, I thought I'd finish up this story, so here you go...**

RJ is now in the park, playing checkers with Lou. Katie is hiding behind the bush with some kind of satillite device that detects people. And she had found RJ and Ozzy. Plus she was still on the phone.

Katie- There he is. He's in the park with another guy.

GOP- My goodness! That's EXACTLY why I don't have a man, because all these guys are gay!

Katie- No, they're just playing checkers.

GOP- Really? How does his friend look?

Lou- Most squirells are not like you RJ. They just worry about their looks and their big-bushy tails and look for the a moan-whore who's going to dump them 2 days after they get together!

Katie- I don't think his friend likes the squirellettes too much.

GOP- (laughs) Isn't that a surprise? That's exactly like I don't have a boyfriend now.

Katie- Shh.

RJ-But I was really hoping it would work out perfect between us!

Katie- (watery-eyed) Me too, honey!

RJ- ..... Oh, well! At least I got that crazy bitch out my house!

Katie has a shocked look on her face...

GOP- Oooh, what did he say now?

Katie- He said I... was crazy! He said "Katie was crazy!"

GOP- Oh, you know what you gotta do; KIDNAP AND TORTURE HIS ASS!!! He's gonna call you crazy? Oh, we'll show that piece of crap the meaning of "crazy"!

Cutaway to the Hedge... Hammy and Verne just now returned.

Verne- RJ?

No response....

"RJ? .......RJ, you home?"

They enter Hammy's room and look...

Hammy- Hey, RJ, where are you? Where is he?

Verne- He's not here.

Hammy- I'll call his cell......... His phone's dead.

Verne then notices a blocked-off "window"... Then a big thump is heard. Katie has used a huge metal object to blocked the entryway!

Katie- Don't worry guys! I'm just going to have a nice, friendly chat with RJ about _HONESTY._

Verne- No! Katie!!

Hammy- I _TOLD_ you we should've killed that bitch!

**Chapter 4 coming up!**


	5. Taking Responsibility

RJ now arrives at the hedge, happy that Katie is out of his life, but then, he is jumped by Katie and put in a Sleeperhold.

RJ (while choking)- I'm.....tapping out...I'm tapping (beginning to pass out)

Katie- (rubs RJ's head) Shh... Just go... to sleep.

RJ has now passed out

15 minutes later, RJ slowly wakes up just to see that Katie is standing in front of him with a gun pointed in his face.

RJ- AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Katie- (voice breaking) Why did you lie to me, RJ? You're just like the others!

RJ- What lie?

Katie- You _KNOW_ what lie.

RJ- Oh... You mean the "Adam-Flayman-New-York-Birthday-Party" lie? Look, everybody lies! I love it when people lie to me! It means they care enough to spare my feelings!

Katie- I heard you tell your friend I was crazy... (gets closer to RJ) Is that what you think? You think I'm crazy?

RJ- .....Uh.....

Katie puts the gun off of "safety" and cocks it.

Katie- DO NOT LIE TO ME!!!

RJ- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH.............

Katie then answers her phone...

GOP- You got him, Kat?

Katie- Yeah, I got him.

GOP- Now remember, this guy TOOK YOUR WEEKEND FROM YOU. Two days you'll never get back! You gotta kill him.

Katie smiles as RJ gets more worried... Meanwhile, Verne and Hammy try to find a way to get out. Hammy sees Ozzy out the "window" they bang on the object that's holding the window to get his attention.

Katie- Not a noise, guys! Or I will buttrape your friend with this boomerang.

Hammy- Hey, that's mine!

RJ- Guys! Please don't make any noise!

Ozzy arrives at the hedge to find Katie just standing right in front of him.

Katie- Can I help you?

Ozzy- Hi, you must be RJ's friend, Katie. I'm Ozzy! Can I please talk to RJ, Verne, or Hammy please?

Katie- They're not in, I'll tell them you stopped by.

Ozzy- Well, wait.... Do you think I can come in and... inspect the place?

Katie- Inspect the hedge?

Ozzy- Well, yes, because see, Verne left me this note that says...

_Dear, Ozzy. RJ kicked a woman named Katie_ (That would be _you..._) _out of the house and she may return and murder all of us._

_Please check the place periodically this weekend._

_Best regards, Verne_

_P.S. If she says we're not in, please inspect the place, we may be trapped in our rooms._

Katie- Oh, well me and RJ patched things up.

Ozzy- Yep, I bet that's true. But what's funny is he goes on to say:

_P.P.S There's absolutely NO CHANCE that RJ patched things up with this woman._

Katie- I see...

Ozzy- And....

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah,

_P.P.P.S, be careful, she's very dangerou--_

Ozzy became the victim of a headscissors takedown that knocked him out...

Later, RJ and Ozzy are on a matress tied up.

RJ- Katie, this has gone FAR ENOUGH. Leave Ozzy out of this........ But leave me out of this first! Let me go!

Ozzy- Hey!

Katie- I was falling in love with you, RJ! You're JUST like all the others!

RJ- WHAT "OTHERS"?! Who are all these "others"?

And then she told him the very very sad story of Katie. Pretty much how she was abused in every relationship she was in...

RJ- OK, we get it!

Ozzy- You obviously had a lot of bad relationships! Maybe you should go see a therapist!

Katie- THIS ISN'T MY FAULT! My friend said it's because of people like you, RJ, who lie and avoid commitment! If only I could find someone who loves me....(cries)

RJ- Dammit, Katie. Stop this! Look I kicked you out because I was afraid you would do something like this. And look! I was right! You've got to stop blaming people for your past! That's one step to a lonely life! And what was about you that made you keep dating those kind of guys?

Ozzy- And you can't get at people just because they don't like you! IT'S NOT A GOOD LOOK, KATIE!

Katie- Oh, you're right! I should've never dated those guys. I was just listening to my stupid friend, Jill! I'm never going to get married! I might as well just blow myself up right now! (She reveals to have a grenade in her hand.

RJ and Ozzy- NO!

RJ- Wait, Katie, you're a beautiful girl! And once you put the past behind you, you'll be able to get any man you want!

Katie- I don't know... Are you sure I shouldn't just blow myself up?

RJ and Ozzy- NO!

RJ- Katie, it's like this great fighting master I saw on TV named Billy Blanks said... "Take control of your life.... Take responsibility..." Put the grenade away and go home...

Katie- You're right... I should take responsibility...

She goes and picks up a knife.

RJ and Ozzy- AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

But before they know it, she cuts them free.

Later, Katie leaves the hedge and heads to a bus stop to sit under the bench. just to get some fresh air before she goes home. Jill calls her.

Jill- So, you got him, Kat?

Katie- No. He said to take responsibility and let go of the past.

Jill- So... You do all that, and he's gonna marry you then?

Katie- Hmm... You know what? He didn't say!

Jill- Oooh... Katie, that means "no". Oh, my gosh, Katie, I am so sorry. You've been through all of that, and he just ditched you like that? Oh, my gosh! If someone did that to me, I would just FREAK-ING DIE.

And that was the day Katie decided to take responsibility for her own actions...

RJ, Ozzy, Verne, and Hammy are all looking at her through the window.

RJ- Wow, she's still out there? Why didn't she leave yet?

Verne- Maybe she's talking to her friend.

Ozzy- Well, I hope her friend isn't giving her more bad--

BOOOOOM!!! The bus stop explodes. Ozzy faints.

Verne- Um... Okay.

And that was the day Katie let her friend talk her into blowing herself up instead of taking responsibility for her own actions.

Hammy- This weekend SUCKED. And it was your fault, RJ.

RJ- It wasn't MY fault! It was that crazy Katie not taking responsibility. God rest her poor soul...

The entire bus stop is in flames, but Jill is still on the line...

Jill- Hello? What was that noise? Anyway, if a guy said that to me, I would just kill myself, I mean, you're a stronger girl than me. Hello? Hello? A life without a man to take care of you isn't worth living. You need to go back and TORTURE him unti he proposes. That's what you need to do...

**And there you have it! This story is finally finished. Sure it may have taken a year, but it's still finished!**


End file.
